Sexual harm scale
Contents
About
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The scale below is my attempt to map an extremely difficult topic onto a simple visual framework. It is not intended to replace legal advice, therapy, medical care, or the expertise of sexual assault services. Instead, it is designed to help people think about experiences that can range from mild boundary discomfort through to serious criminal sexual assault.
One of the challenges with conversations around consent, coercion, and sexual harm is that people often assume there are only two categories: "nothing happened" or "sexual assault." Reality is often more complicated. Many people experience situations that leave them feeling uncomfortable, manipulated, pressured, confused, or violated, yet struggle to find language for what happened.
This scale attempts to create that language.
Importantly, the level on the scale is not determined solely by the act itself. Context matters. Intent matters. Patterns matter. Most importantly, the impact on the person experiencing it matters.
The goal is not to encourage judgment, outrage, or witch hunts. The goal is understanding. The goal is to help people identify when support may be useful and empower people to trust their instincts when something doesn't feel right.
My Graphical Representation of the “Sexual Harm Scale” (0–10)
(... full res widescreen image)
The idea: Conversations about consent often focus on the extremes. We talk about criminal sexual assault, but we rarely talk about the smaller boundary violations, coercive behaviours, manipulation, pressure, or situations that leave people feeling uneasy long before anything illegal occurs.
This scale is intended as a conversation starter. A way of saying:
- "Was that just a misunderstanding?"
- "Was that inappropriate?"
- "Was that coercive?" (freeze or fawn)
- "Was that assault?"
- "Do I need support?"
Many experiences fall into grey areas where people are unsure how to interpret what happened. If this scale helps even one person trust their feelings, seek support, or have an honest conversation, then it has served its purpose.
The lower numbers are not intended to minimise harm. The higher numbers are not intended to replace courts or legal definitions. The entire scale is simply a framework for reflection and discussion.
Backstory
Unlike many of my other scales - which add a humorous lens - there is nothing funny about this topic.
I created it because someone I care about was hurting. Over the years I've written and spoken a lot about communication, dating, consent, and relationships. I even wrote a short book called Consent to Kiss, which was my attempt to encourage clearer communication and more intentional consent in dating.
My views have always been fairly simple:
- Consent matters.
- Communication matters.
- Respect matters.
- People deserve to feel safe.
I have also spent years involved in dance communities, conscious communities, festivals, workshops, and alternative relationship spaces. These communities often speak beautifully about consent, connection, boundaries, healing, authenticity, and personal growth.
Most of the time, they genuinely try. But they are still made up of humans. And humans sometimes get things wrong.
Recently, at a festival, a friend shared an experience that had affected her deeply. It wasn't my story to tell, so I won't tell it. But hearing her describe what happened, hearing the confusion, self-doubt, anger, grief, and uncertainty that followed, made me realise something. And it's actually and amazing festival, but even at festivals within the spiritual community, these things regulary happen. The spirutal community has always attarced people with wounds, but also people (both men and women) who see this as a place to take advantage of people in a vulnerable space.
People often struggle to know where their experience fits.
Some people minimise what happened:
- "Maybe I'm overreacting."
Others catastrophise:
- "Was this the worst thing imaginable?"
Many sit somewhere in between.
What struck me most was not simply the event itself, but how difficult it was for her to find language for the experience and decide what support she wanted.
- Should she report it? - Should she talk to friends? - Should she seek counselling? - Should she confront the person? - Should she do nothing? - Should she give me permission to talk to this person as apparently other women have confronted him, and maybe it would be taken on board coming from a man.
These questions are incredibly difficult. And that's what motivated this scale.
Not because I think a number can perfectly capture someone's experience. It can't.
But sometimes a visual framework helps people organise their thoughts.
Sometimes saying "I think this felt like a 6" is easier than explaining everything.
Sometimes it helps a friend understand.
Sometimes it helps us realise we might benefit from support.
And sometimes it reminds us that what happened wasn't okay.
One thing I want to emphasise is that this scale is not about creating enemies.
The internet is already very good at outrage.
This scale is about reducing confusion.
It's about helping people recognise healthy behaviour, unhealthy behaviour, coercive behaviour, and criminal behaviour as distinct concepts rather than lumping everything together.
Most importantly, it is about helping people trust themselves.
If something felt wrong, that feeling deserves attention. Not panic. Not necessarily prosecution. But attention.
Because our discomfort often tells us something important long before we have the words to explain it.
Sincerely,
Andrew Noske
Understanding Sexual Harm
Sexual harm exists on a spectrum.
At one end are misunderstandings, poor communication, and early boundary discomfort. At the other end are serious criminal acts that require immediate legal and professional intervention.
Between those extremes lie a wide range of experiences:
- Pressure.
- Manipulation.
- Repeated boundary pushing.
- Emotional coercion.
- Sexual harassment.
- Stalking.
- Exploitation.
- Non-consensual touching.
Not every harmful experience is criminal. Not every criminal act causes the same level of emotional harm. And not every uncomfortable interaction is abuse.
That complexity is one reason conversations about sexual harm can become so difficult.
Healthy relationships require enthusiastic consent, respect for boundaries, honesty, and the ability to hear "no" gracefully.
When those qualities disappear, harm often begins to emerge.
What To Do If Something Happened
There is no single correct response. Some people want to report immediately. Others want to speak to trusted friends. Others seek therapy. Others simply need time.
If you are unsure:
- Talk to someone you trust.
- Write down what happened while memories are fresh.
- Seek professional support if it feels useful.
- Contact a sexual assault support service if you need guidance.
- Seek medical attention if there has been physical harm or sexual contact that may require care.
- Contact police if you believe a criminal offence has occurred.
Most importantly, remember that you do not have to figure everything out alone.
Disclaimer
I am not a lawyer. I am not a psychologist. I am not a sexual assault counsellor. This scale represents my personal attempt to create a framework for understanding and discussing experiences relating to consent, coercion, boundaries, and sexual harm.
Reasonable people may disagree with where specific behaviours belong on the scale. That's okay. Please write to me! Create your own using a consciously programmed AI to help - for this scale, I leaned heavily on that.
The purpose is not to create perfect classifications. The purpose is to encourage reflection, discussion, education, and, where appropriate, support. If you have experienced sexual assault, coercion, harassment, stalking, or any behaviour that has left you distressed, please consider seeking support from qualified professionals.
There is no shame in asking for help. And there is no shame in trusting your instincts when something doesn't feel right.
Sincerely,
Andrew Noske
PS: Feedback is welcome, particularly from consent educators, psychologists, lawyers, victim advocates, and people with lived experience.
See Also
| Acknowledgements: To the people who have trusted me with difficult stories over the years, thank you. Your courage, vulnerability and honesty inspired this scale and reminded me how important it is to create spaces where people feel heard. None of us is perfect, and I've had moments I regret where I jumped a bit quickly between asking for a kiss and asking for further touch in the heat of the moment. None of us are perfect - but with conversation we grow. |
