The RBDSMAF Sex Conversation
About
The RBDSMAF framework is a conversation guide often used in ethical non-monogamous (ENM) and BDSM communities to facilitate open, intentional dialogue before intimate or relational engagements. Developed to ensure safety, consent, and mutual understanding, RBDSMAF supports conscious relating and fosters trust.
Quick Overview:
- R – Relationship Intentions: Discuss your relationship status... then the type of connection you are seeking (mono,poly,etc) and any expectations or limitations.
- B – Boundaries: Clearly outline personal boundaries, limits, and any activities that are off-limits.
- D – Desires: Share what you would like to experience, your preferences, and any specific wishes.
- S – Sexual Health: Talk about STI statuses, testing routines, and safer sex practices to prioritize health.
- M – Meaning: Explore what this connection or experience means to you and how it aligns with personal values.
- A – Aftercare Needs: Express needs for aftercare to ensure emotional and physical well-being post-experience.
- F – Follow-Up: Agree on how you will communicate after the interaction to maintain trust and address any feelings.
The RBDSMAF Sex Conversation (Detailed)
Each letter in RBDSMAF represents a key component of the pre-relationship or pre-intimacy discussion:
- R – Relationship Intentions: Clarify the relational context and what you are each choosing.
- Are you currently in any relationships?
- What style of relating do you practice (monogamous, poly, open)?
- What does that actually mean in practice for you?
- B – Boundaries: Clearly outline personal limits and what is or isn’t okay.
- What boundaries exist for this connection or relationship?
- What boundaries apply specifically to this interaction or scene?
- Think about body parts, types of touch, emotional limits, and pacing
- D – Desires: Share what you would like to experience and what feels exciting or aligned.
- What are your desires for this connection or interaction?
- Are there any specific things you’re curious about or wanting?
- This can include physical, emotional, or energetic experiences
- S – Sexual Health: Talk openly about health, testing, and risk preferences.
- When were you last tested, and what were you tested for?
- What were the results, and are there any relevant disclosures?
- If intimacy is possible, what protection and safety practices do you use?
- M – Meaning: Explore what this interaction represents and what expectations may form.
- What does this connection mean to you right now?
- Are you approaching this casually, exploratorily, or with deeper intent?
- Are there expectations around attachment, communication, or continuity?
- A – Aftercare Needs: Express what support is needed after the interaction.
- What helps you feel safe, grounded, or cared for afterward?
- Do you prefer connection (e.g. cuddling, talking) or space?
- Is there anything you might need later (that evening or the next day)?
- F – Follow-Up: Agree on how you will communicate after the experience.
- Will you check in afterward, and if so, how and when?
- How do you prefer to handle any unexpected feelings that arise?
- What does respectful closure or continuation look like?
My Thoughts
I have honestly found "RBDSMAF" as too many letters to remember easily, but I think the idea is brilliant, hence I wrote this article. It helps that there's a "BDSM" in the middle - and some people suggest the slight variations: "RBDSMA" (one letter less - see below) or "DR BDSM" (direction, relationship, boundaries, desires, sexual health, meaning).
Outside of the poly ENM community, there are conversations like the STARS and CHIP (consent, history, integrity, protection) safe sex conversation and models that focus more on the health component of safe sex, versus the details of the interaction - but honestly, the value of talking about aftercare and the meaning of intimacy to each person is valueable regardless of your sexual identity. It's important to make the implicit, explicit.
See Also
- STD Testing - The Comprehensive Way - An article I wrote explaining how to get tested properly.
- The CHIP Safe Sex Conversation - A safe sex conversation guide, this one with 4 letters.
- The STARS Safe Sex Conversation - A safe sex conversation guide, this one with 5 letters.
