Your inflection point in dating

About

NOTE: AI cartoon rendering only - this is just what ChatGPT thought the graph might look like - it's not based on data - or if it is, it's ChatGPT's interpretation - oh and look it got the numbers wrong.

NOTE: This page is a daughter page of: Dating

In many ways article expands on the tall girl theory and the high heel effect (which I felt was getting too long) by focusing specifically on what I've noticed can represent "inflection points" for men and women - the age and status thresholds where dating opportunities change dramatically. I suppose I write this to warn others that yes, it happens, and how you can best brace yourself, accept it, or (perhaps) find the love of your life before it happens.

The Inflection Point for Women (Age & Youthful Energy)

Many women report that around age 35, flirting and invitations suddenly dry up. Men stop approaching (and in modern times, fewer-than-ever men dare approach in the first place), and the dating pool shrinks. Some women experience this later, but even with great gene or expensive remedies, it catches up. The shift often feels cruel - after years of attention, many suddenly feel invisible. This realisation can fuel bitterness, with a sense that their “prime” years were tied to age rather than who they are.

For men, this is hard to relate too - and many men have never had a phase of receiving attention - they've always had to be the people approaching. But just a few years later (say 40), they also experience decline in the dating pool - especially if they lack wealth or status later in life. Not to mention the fact that more people their age are coupled up.

The men I've talked honestly with on this topic... say would prefer (if possible) to date younger women for three primary reasons:

1. Physical attractiveness and health — Attraction to youth reflects a hardwired drive for the desire to breed and have healthy children. Even if men don't want kids, instincts linger.

2. Youthful energy (versus bitterness) — Younger women are associated with being more carefree, easier to impress or still seeing magic in the world. Many women past their inflection point carry baggage and resentment, which can be more unattractive than age itself.

3. Gentler energy (versus impatience) — Younger women are often associated with a softer, sweeter energy, which can feel more feminine. It feels mean to use the word desperation for women, but I use the same word for men (and I've been accused of coming across as desperate at various life states), so we have parity. If a woman conveys, verbally or non-verbally, the urgency to suddenly marry or have children shortly after meeting..... well, that is quite terrifying for a man. This is one of the biggest decisions in life and not something we are told to run into.

I used to judge older men dating younger women as superficial. Now I see it differently. It was a basic realisation I had several years ago about human evolution:

For survival of the species:

• Successful breeding to women has historically looked like: breeding with men of larger physical stature and high status (alpha males) - more likely to keep them and their children safe and successful in a harsh world where sometimes only the strongest and wealthiest survived.

• Successful breeding in men has historically looked like: breeding with women who were young, healthy, and had childbearing hips - they were more likely to survive childbirth and raise a healthy child in a hard world where women often died in labour.

And let's not forget that in the 1800s life expectancy was only 35-40 - our species wasn't really supposed to live longer than that.

As a former scientist, this helped reduce my judgment and more peacefully accept it as what it is.

Finding Hope Again (for women)

Any glimmers of hope for women who feel the might have reached the inflection point? Of course!

(1) Reclaiming Youthful Energy

The reality of age is nuanced. In the U.S., husbands are about 2.2 years older than their wives on average, down from 4.9 years in 1880. So it's not as horrible as you might imagine. Nobody can change their age, but it is usually in your control to stay healthy (fitness and exercise) and do the growth necessary to reduce your bitterness - to forgive the people you feel have wronged you and get back to a more youthful, happy way of being where the world feels magical. That's attractive! Much of your age is your attitude.

(2) Acceptance and Inner Peace with Whatever Happens =

Counterintuitively, giving up can often sometimes out for women, either because: (a) they truly reach inner peace with the idea that men might not find them attractive in the way they used to, or (b) in this state of peacefulness they mix up their routines and find new connections. I've heard many men tell me, "love found me when I stopped looking", and I think there's a reason this often works out for women. When women stop looking or even "give up on finding love", men can suddenly feel more relaxed around them - and talk more openly - because they feel they are not being measured. Any hint of desperation or intimidation drips away from you.

(3) Approach Men with Confidence

One of my best friends, Lyuba, tells the story of her idol - a sixtly-year-old woman, a presenter at a workshop, turning the heads of every man in the room because she oozed confidence and sexy appeal. Moreover, she seemed excited about life! Turns out she was dating a man 20 years younger with extra lovers on the side. Here was a woman without bitterness, and she was the type of woman who could ask for what she wanted and approach men. In other words... she felt she didn't need to compete with younger women, because those younger, more attractive women were sitting in the corner with their friends instead of doing anything proactive to seek out or flirt with men. We all know confidence is sexy on a man. Confidence can be worn very well by women to, but it has to be real.

It might seem in a way that this #3 suggestion seems to contradict #2, and it does, and it doesn't. Not giving a **** pairs very nicely with approaching people, because you are comfortable if they say no. What I love about Lyuba, even though she is happily married, she talked very honestly about her inflection point, where suddenly she realised she wasn't seen as the prettiest woman in the room - nobody was buying her drinks anymore... and she said she honestly missed it! But now she's able to connect deeper with men, and she's learned to love that. She's still the most beautiful woman it the room in so many other ways, and embracing some of the energy of her idol.

A revelation that hits many women who reach the inflection point is this. Suddenly, they are experiencing what 95% percent of men have experienced their whole lives. A lack of anyone approaching them or expressing clear romantic or sexual interest in them. So in honour of male/female equality, it's now their turn to learn to break through the nervous adventure into self-growth, which is learning to ask, and handle rejection. Because, as I say in my section about men, you won't get a yes unless you go through dozens of rejections and learn to turn that into proud. Proud of yourself for self-growth. And eventually, into a sexy confidence.

(4) Be Aware of the High Heels Effect and Unrealistic Expectations

Women are said to be the most attractive in their early 20s, but women don't necessarily feel any inflection until around 35. I believe that's because people can be clueless in their 20s. It's not just a lack of confidence; it's finding what they want - sexual liberation, unlearning, and personal growth. If not already, I think the high heels effect is great to understand, and to know when you're being unrealistic about your expectations. I've had dozen of female friends in Hawaii in San Fransisco all telling each other they were holding out for that perfect man - six foot, six-figure income, six pack - and I quickly pointed out that while Hawaii had lots of men with six-packs, there weren't almost zero straight men on the island that met those specifications - and if there were they'd all be competing for the same man instead of more individualistically deciding what values and quirks they admired. When you look for a house, you can have a couple of "musts", but then other things should stay as "nice to have". I write this especially proud of one friend who realised maybe dating the very good-looking jerks wasn't wise, and instead dates a normal-level good-looking man who treats her well and worships her!

The Inflection Point for Men

Men often observed that our inflection point in dating is less tied to age than to a formula of **status, wealth, looks, and social confidence**... but yes, age too. In many cases, a man's dating prospects often peak later, when career and finances stabilise, but decline if those areas stall. Without wealth or social capital, older men can also become invisible in the dating market.

Finding Hope Again (for men)

It feels a bit hopeless to learn what you already suspect. There are about 3 times more men on online dating sites than women, and they are picky about their selection. The vast majority of men will never receive any matches on online dating. I've seen women swipe, and unless you're in the top 20% of good-looking and successful, you are indeed probably wasting your money. We men are superficial, also, so get over it!

(1) Confidence Is a Massive Factor for Women

Where men can truly differentiate is through confidence. You don’t need to be a trust fund baby (I’m not either). Confidence is built step by step and start by watching videos about boosting confidence.

I'm often shocked at how sheer ego can sometimes trump looks and status for men. But if you’re reading this, you’re probably one of the good men - the ones who want to grow honestly. So keep approaching women, embrace rejection as practice, and eventually you'll get a yes. Fake it till you make it works for some, but if you’re like me, hollow bravado doesn’t feel right. Vulnerability can be just as brave. Today’s small acts of courage - like giving a simple compliment ("I love your dress") - become tomorrow’s authentic confidence, where you can say, "I think you’re cute, and I’d love to take you out for coffee."

The opposite of confidence isn't just insecurity - it's desperation. And desperation repels. Confidence, by contrast, attracts. It signals stability, resilience, and strength - the very qualities that, from an evolutionary perspective, made a man more likely to provide a safe base for raising children. Many women would choose a man with deep confidence over a man with money but no confidence, because insecurity is off-putting. Confidence, even more than wealth, is what makes a man compelling.

(2) Learn Just the Basics of Seduction, Flirting and Edge

I don't agree with men who read "how to pick up women" books, because those books can be quite toxic. Seduction is a tool that can be used for good or evil honestly, but you might not need to be an expert... you might just need to watch a couple of videos on flirting and practice slowly. Hopefully you have some good female friends who know you're a great guy and want to help you. Sometimes you might wonder why you've been friend-zoned so often, and they might blatantly tell you - they might become your greatest ally if you ask for help.

Online dating is an interesting example where a woman might show you what you're competing again, and explain that if a man is too forward, it's offputting, but even worse than that is a man who is boring. "How was your day" only works if you deeply know a person, and are enthusiast to hear. To be a bit more interesting as a man you probalby need some sort of "edge", and that could be an interesting outdorr hobby like sky-diving or fire-spinning - something that shows you're not a video gamer in a basement.

(3) Self Growth and Health

Self growth is sexy to a growing number of women. Go to men’s circles, read books, keep building your career, further your education, take on passion projects, take up fitness, save toward financial independence. This will help your self-growth and show that you're on an upwards trajectory, so even if you feel you don't have the looks or finances to keep up with other men, you'll have something pretty special that not too many men attempt.

General Observations

This idea of an inflection points deepens the tall girl theory — they highlight not just educational and status mismatches, but how time itself shifts desirability. Both genders face narrowing windows, albeit in different ways. For some men, they find their dating opportunities might grow as they further their career and build confidence... but just be aware that there is a time limit if you want children - not as harsh as the time limit for women, but it still exists.

I lived in the United States for a long time, and I was hoping to find a life partner to have children. I came close but didn't quite anything, and I also knew I wanted to save enough money to buy a house outright, then move back to Australia. Only to see a similar trend in dating. The same bitterness can emerge from both men and women. I'm now 42, and while I and technically have children up till I die.... I didn't realize the chance of complications spike for women after 35. I've dated up to 20 years older, and once 15 years younger, and honestly I feel like if I want any chance of children and finding a women who make me feel magical, my best bet is to date younger, but I know the window is closing. And yet I'm not supposed to be desperate about it. It's a paradox for many! I can't tell you if I'll find my person, or give up, or what my future holds, but I genuinely want you to learn from my observations of friends.

(1) Decide Early on Family vs. Career and/or Sexual Exploration

I lived many years in San Francisco, where there's more dogs than children. The culture is a focus on career versus family, and I wish I'd realized that sooner, so I could have left sooner. Often where you live dictates - more than anything else - whether you'll marry early, or be single when you hit that inflection point. If you're married and hit the inflection point you proably won't even notice it or care (especially true for men)! So ask yourself what you want and be realistic about your timeline. Walking around San Franciso, I eventually noticed just a huge number of old lonely men walking the streets. Fatherless. I wonder if they felt it was worth it to spend all that time focussed on career.

Women too are often focussed heavy on career, and in San Francisco many women in our dance community decide it was important to explore their sexuality - which I'm sure was liberating, but it would also add years of their lives to exploring women, and then polyamory, only to suddenly turn around at age 40 or above and decide it was time to settle down with one person - only to realize the options they once had were gone. They'd been dating the type of people who naturally wanted sexual variety and chasing younger, prettier options.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who feel they married too early, and wish the'd had more time to explore, so maybe it's comforting to know the grass is always greener. I think if you build your confidence early, you might have time to quickly have your adventure and still have time to find your person and have kids if that's what you decide is right.

(2) Drop the Complaints and Be the Change you Want to See

Perhaps the most unhealthy thing you can do... and I know because I do it too.... is complain about dating and the opposite sex. It's why I'm proud to co-host Conscious Speed Dating - we're trying to do something to improve dating for some people.

Common complains are your typical "men awful" or "women are unreliable" and so on. They are generalizations and if anything... maybe both genders are equally wonderfully and equally awful. You see what you want to see. In reality though, society got his way because of our collective behavior... so we are all accountable. You shouldn't complain that you've been treated badly by someone of the opposite sex if you yourself have ever ghosted someone (even once) or been mean to an ex. Why? Well even if you only did it once, lets say every woman has ghost a different man - now every single man on the planet has been ghosted once, and men at large become more bitter. You did that. Likewise, if a man treats a ex poorly, then complains women are untrusting or ungrateful. You did that. You have no right to complain.

Be magical to everyone, even if your not attracted to them, even if one of your ends the relationship with the other. If everyone on earth treated their dates and their ex-lovers with respect and kindness, dating would be a magical experience for all. You did that.

(3) Learn to Create Magic!

No matter your age, your income, or even your looks, you have the capacity to create magic. I have a best friend turned housemate who knows how to create magic, and he attracts women like no-one I've ever seen. He's not rich, but he's got the deep voice, he listens, and he represents the change he wants in the world. It's such a rare quality these days that even in moment when I don't feel attractive, or like I've missed my window to have children - it gives me hope. I'm slowly relearning what I've forgotten. How to create magical moment with people. Because even without seduction and all those other techniques that people use to make themselves appear more attractive... true presence is so rare, it's a special type of attractive.

Also, I truly believe that if you help others find love... if you leave each person you meet better than you find them - that good karma will come back around. You just have to be patient.

Conclusion

Well not to be too cold, but in a quick summary:

- Women’s inflection point is often age-based. - Men’s inflection point is often status-based.

Both, however, are artifacts of evolutionary psychology. Inflection points aren't destiny, but they matter. By recognising them:

- Women can plan for the social/biological pressures of their 30s. - Men can work on social confidence and financial stability earlier.

And both can push back against bitterness by focusing on values, empathy, and shared growth instead of clinging to evolutionary defaults. More importantly, confidence and the ability to make moments feel magical - is one of the most attractive qualities, you'll ever witness in a woman or man.

Sincerely,

    Andrew Noske

See Also

• Tall girl theory and the high heel effect
• Masculinity scale
• Femininity scale