Generous lover scale
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The 0 to 10 "Generous lover scale" below is a playful look at how generous you might be in the bedroom. Have you ever had a lover who was cold and never reciprocated in any way? Yup... selfish lovers are all around, but occasionally you might stumble upon someone who gets pleasure from your pleasure. In my experience, these lovers are the most mind-blowing. It's the difference between a dance partner who just wants to look good (to go through the motions) and a dance partner who wants you both to smile and have an amazing, connected dance for hours.
My Graphical Representation of the "Generous lover scale" (0-10)
What Inspired This Article
Sex isn't always something I talked about... but when I release my "Ice Cream = Sex" book, I found myself chatting both candidly and comedically about sex to more and more friends and strangers. And it gives you a much better idea of what makes a good lover. In most new relationships, you'll probably have an initial lust and "let's tear each other's clothes off" period, but as you get older, you more quickly identify which of your lovers are actually attentive to your feelings and enjoy giving pleasure versus receiving it. Regardless of where someone is on the 0 to 10 sex drive scale, a generous lover is usually the one who relishes deep kisses and foreplay. If you are lower on the sex drive scale, you can still be a generous lover, just with massage and other expressions of love. A selfish lover just wants to get to the finish line quickly and isn't really so concerned about whether you orgasm or not. That said, in tantra, the orgasms should never be set as a goal, and just understanding that principle can lead you to better and slower connected sex.
How to Use This Scale
I'd like to think that if your lover is selfish, you can send this to them as a wake-up call! Maybe it will encourage them to move up one or two steps. I also feel like some people can't be honest with themselves, so they will probably rank themselves a good 2 points higher than they actually are. Me for instance... I think I'm at a solid 8.5 on this scale, *but* it really depends on the person I'm with and the strength of our connection. I've definitely had moments at a 5 or lower. Perhaps the real challenge is to ask your lover to answer honestly where they think you fall. As a challenge... if you've never given your lover a one-hour massage, consider buying a massage table (they are pretty cheap) and give them a long massage without expecting sex at the end. Part of being a great lover is understanding that your partner won't always be in the mood, and the expectation of sex - especially without a long amount of foreplay and warm-up time - is a serious turn-off for women. For me personally, I see this scale and think about all the times I've rushed towards sex just a little faster than I should. Sometimes we project what our partner wants, when in fact we should just ask. Communication is one of the keys to great sex, and this scale can help prompt an incredible conversation.
Sincerely,
Andrew Noske
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