Gold Standard Apology
Contents
About
About
These are notes I took from a workshop by Mischa Byruck during a SoulPlay festival in June 2023.
It was an incredible workshop aimed at helping people apologize the right way - in a meaningful, healing way - instead of the type of (not uncommon) apology that leaves the receiver feeling unsatisfied and often does more harm than good. The example he focussed on was a hypothetical instance of crossing someone's boundaries, but it could equally apply to forgetting to do the shopping.
Gold Standard Apology
A gold standard apology has these six parts:
- Apology - Start with a genuine sorry.
- Action - Mention the action (and only the action) you are sorry for.
- Incoherence - Where did you not align with your values?
- Impact - What impact did you have on them?
- Repair - Promise to help repair the damage.
- Prevention - Give a solid step to prevent it happening again.
Example
If you apologize in any kind of way which lacks accountability or authentic empathy, then the apology is lost. Here's the example of a gold standard apology for a sexual violation on the dance floor that the instructor gave:
- Apologize for Action - "I am sorry that I grabbed your ass on the dance floor."
- Acknowledge Incoherence - "It is important to me to honor consent and I didn't do that in this instance."
- Acknowledge Impact - "I realize at a minimum this was a shitty experience and there was time & energy that you have been worried about this."
- Promise Repair and Prevention - "I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you, and never do that again on the dance floor without asking, regardless of how sensual the dance."
To make this apology your own: the underlined parts you can keep static and change the italicized parts to your own use case. It could be as simple as you forgot to take the garbage out - in fact that's probably a great one to practice on.
Learning to Empathize
Remember that the energy matters even more than the words - you can't give a gold standard apology until you understand how you hurt the other person. That means you should take just enough time to see things from their perspective and empathize. If you have trouble empathizing try working with:
- Direct Empathy - Become empathic to see from their perspective. "I imagine that could have been hurtful".
- Detective Work - Ask around (friends etc). Has this happened before with other people? What clues can you find on how they feel and what you did wrong.
- Past Experience - Do you have past experiences or wisdom to drawn on to help you be truly sympathetic and genuinely apologize.
- Research - Ask about your situation on ChatGPT or Google.
Extra Tips
- Don't muddy the water. - To say "sorry I grabbed your ass during our sexy dance" or "heat of the moment" versus "sorry I grabbed your ass" invalidates the action because it's like an excuse.
- Your trauma doesn't belong in the apology. - To say "I did this because my father was etc" just sounds like an excuse. Talk about that later with them.
- Don't tell the person "I'm such an asshole, I always do this" it would be better for someone to hear "I have integrity, and I f****d up."
- The fact that you "meant well" isn't helpful.
- The energy matters more than the words.
- Use the Sacred Pause - "I might need a minute/hour/day/week/year to process this sorry".
Great and Bad Apologies
Mischa started by asking what makes a great versus bad apology and we came up with:
- Great Apology - take ownership, be specific, sincerity, remorse, responsible, curiosity, impact, attunement, within capacity, calmness, get content to apologize, vulnerability, connections, empathy, openness to more, connection before correction, follow up!
- Bad Apology - reasons, excuses, rationalization, justification, blind to entitlement, gaslighting, when dysregulated, blaming, drama triangle, focus on intent, contempt.
To revisit the same example again:
- Great Apology: "Could I please offer you an apology, without any expectation of forgiveness? I'm sorry that I grabbed your ass (action). It is very important to me to honor consent and I didn't do that in this instance (acknowledge incoherence). I realize at a minimum this was a shitty experience and there was time & energy that you have been worried about this (impact). I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you, and never do that again on the dance floor without asking (repair & prevention)".
- Terrible Apology: "I'm sorry that I danced with you in a particular way that you didn't like (wishy-washy) when you turned up the heat (deferral). When I was a child, my dad was really abusive to me (trauma, indirection). It doesn't really feel like a big issue to me or anyone else (invalidating). If anything I think you turned it into an issue when you told other people (blame), which seemed pretty shitty. If anything you probably owe me one (gaslighting)."
- Yeah.. ouch! If this happens, I don't know how to react... perhaps the best response is to calmly politely point out that the person did not take any accountability or care for the person's feelings in this apology.
Useful Phrases
- "I offer this to you without expectations"
- "For restoration... I know it's been 5 years, but are you open to me apologizing for ..."
Advanced Skills
- Asking Permission - "When you are ready I would love to offer you an apology"
- Additional Offering - ...
- Forgoing Closure - "Don't feel the need to response right away"
- Proactive Social Obligation Release - "Don't feel the need to make it okay just because I said I am sorry"
- Double-down Inquiry - "If there is more to this than I've realized, I invite it"
- Openness to Response - ...
- Gratitude - "Thank you for being open to receive my apology" / "Thank you for telling me about your grievance so nicely"
More Mischa Quotes
If you like this, there is more Mischa insight no his YouTube channel.
- "The more 'woke' you are the more dangerous you are" - because people are more likely to trust you, and you have the language that masks the harm you cause to yourself and others.
- "If they say 'any kind of erotic exchange is off the table' would I still hang out with her".
- "Desire without agenda"
See Also
- Authentic Relating - Share - how to let someone know when you are upset, in a very beautiful way that avoids arguments.
Links
- The perfect apology, according to science - Good article... it says: "• Expression of regret. • Explanation of what went wrong. • Acknowledgment of responsibility. • Declaration of repentance. • Offer of repair. • Request for forgiveness"... so a little similar, although in the gold standard you don't explicitly request forgiveness, because that might set and expectation or pressure for an immediate "you are forgiven".
- Evolve.Men website - Mischa's website for his work with men as an men's integrity coach.
| Acknowledgements: Wanted to thank Mischa Byruck for his incredible workshop. |
