Lose Your Inner Brat and Apologize

About

NOTE: This page is a daughter page of: Authentic Relating

So "Lose Your Inner Brat and Apologize" is a deliberately controversial title, but if you read the article you'll understand why you need this kind of thinking to fix a broken or shaken relationship. Even now you're thinking "but I did nothing wrong and I'm the victim here". There's a good chance they think the same thing. For them and all of their friends who hear their version of the story you are the villian. Both of you are poisoned and hurting and if you think for a second "they should be the first to apologize to me", then you are definietly being a brat. Why not be the bigger person and go first. That's what this article is about, but first I'm going to tell you a few true stories and then a very important principle the your feelings never being wrong.

Case Studies Being A Brat

Cheated On

In my third ever relationship I was cheated on. Or at least I think I was. I was told months after the relationship by a friend "I think she cheated on you" and I was devestated. It triggered something that had happend to my family and I went through all stages of anger, sadness and feeling like a victim.

Cheated On

Your Feelings Are Never Wrong

We get so obsessed with who is wrong and who is right in arguments and disputes. Nobody wants to back down and say "I was wrong", and even if they do, it's probably not genuine.

What if I say I can fix that issue for you.

Who is wrong or right is highly subjective depending on your values. Oh sure, maybe someone lied, and that feels wrong, but maybe they thought they were protecting you.

What is NEVER wrong is how you feel.

• "I feel sad right now" - FACT.
• "I feel unheard" - FACT.
• "I feel jealous" - FACT.

This varies hugely from statements like "you are a terrible person" which is very subjective. Notice that these statements all start with "I feel". If you start with "you did this" you are only making the conflict worse.

Suddenly it becomes less relevant how the person becomes sad. Your girlfriend is sad and crying because you forgot to put the laundry up? The apology is so easy.

• "I'm really sorry feel sad right now. What can I do to show you that I still love you".

You apologizing for making the other person feel sad/small/jealous/unheard/angry, without explicitly saying you were wrong. Once you drop your defences and offer the olive branch, maybe you'll get a chance to say that you "feel attacked" and they will recipocate. Mabye you'll work out a more productive way to prevent this same argument happening in the future.

Once again, how you feel is never wrong, and the other person has a chance to empathize. Feelings are unpredictable, feelings can be triggered by the slightest thing, and certain times of life fluctuation such as pregnancy or any moments of insecurty. Feelings can't always be predictable, but they are always fact. You feel how you feel, and if anyone tries to invalidate how you feel, then you have an issue. If they read this article and still refuse to acknoledge the fact that you feel sad. Well f**l, dump their sorry ass! You don't have time for people who can't support you when you feel down.

Case Studies for Feelings

Cheated On

For a share to go well there has to be agreement from the sharer and the listener.

The Sharer:

• Start with "Hey Ted, I have something I would like to share something with you" and wait for them to reply with a green light.
  • If they are unfamiliar or seem nervous explain "I'm going to tell you about something on my mind, while you just listen until the end and then you say thank you. And the maybe later tonight you come up to me to do the same".
  • If they are family with a share already: you can just say "Hey I would like to have a share with you".
• Try to use "I feel" / "I felt" statements to describe your discomfort.
  • We do this because "you never listen" sounds aggressive (and your listener will shut down) versus "I feel hurt, because I feel you don't always hear me" (encouraging your listener to empathize).
• Don't make it about being wrong or right, make it about the way you feel.
  • After-all, the way you feel doesn't have to be rational and the way you feel is never wrong. How you feel is how you feel. Fact.
• Share your feeling in a calm way, knowing that you'll feel lighter at the end.
• Share in person if possible, if not then write it out, maybe even in a love letters format.
• If you have time before you see them again, send them this article and they should be extra receptive. If you feel tension, they probably feel it too.

The Listener

• Be present and listen closely to the sharer.
• DO NOT interrupt. Appreciate the bravery it takes to explain your feelings.
  • As humans we naturally want to defend ourself if our we feel under attack - but the trick is that we are not really under attack. Interrupting is too likely to start and argument, and that ruins the whole idea of talking freely about our feeling and being constructive.
• At the end... reply "thank you" and take a breathe.
  • There is a reason that "thank you" are the only two words. They promote gratitude, and let the listener know that have been heard."
  • If it's your first time you might also add "I appreciate what you said, and I'm going to step away and take time to consider your feelings before I come back".
• If it feel like an amazing time to hug (if it's not a huge issue and both people are calm), then politey offer a geniunie deep, warm and appreciative hug. If they say no, that's okay, the hug could come later.
• Walk away to think about it.

The Agreement: To actively hear feelings, and reply only with those two words... thank you

The agreement of active listening is important ahead of time. What's most importantly that the listener understands not to interrupt, and to just say "thank you"... to appreciate that the sharer had the courage to come forward, because it's usually not easy. Importantly, is that no interruptions means no arguing, just actual listening. Often we feel the need to defend ourselves by saying: "but that's not what happened", "but you don't understand the situation", "you've made a mistake", "but you were mean to me last week" or maybe even "stop attacking me, you were the one who ...". Imagine that these are all things children would say. The listener might get hurt but you have to be mature enough to hear all the feelings to the end. It's not your turn to share.

Active Listening

What is active listening? Active listening means REALLY listening. If the voice in your head is yelling at you what to reply, anxiously thinking how to defend yourself and calculating the soonest moment to interrupt.... Then you are actually not truly listening. Worse than that, the talker will see that your are not really present with them and instead of slowing down to talk from the heart, their energy will get nervous and defensive too. People can sense when someone wants to interrupt us, so we suddenly talk frantically out of fear of being cut-off before we have actually finished.

Trying to listen to two voices at once is not something humans can do. I'm sure you tried before and failed. If you are listening to your own inner voice, then this wonderful person talking to you may as well be talking to a closed and fortified wall. The goal here is to hear.... to understand... to prioritize... and to consider their feelings first. You have plenty of time to process your own feelings later. You might actually cry, and that's amazing if you do! That shows genuine empathy. Active listeners are more likely to say "tell me more". They make eye contact. They breathe deep so that the words resonate. Their energy is so thoughtful that the talker is more likely to feel at ease. To feel empathy. To connect deeply. Active listening isn't just limited to this concept of a share. If you do this correctly, you will eventually become one of those unforgettable people who can hold your hand, and state deep into your soul when you talk. You know exactly the kind of people I'm taking about. We've all met someone magical like that in our life. Maybe you wondered what their secret is, because you wish you were magical too. Their secret is easy, and I'm about to tell you. They do active listening... They make you feel in a safe space when you talk and they give you all the time in the world to express yourself without no need to rush. They make you feel special.

After the Share

Once they say "thank you", both of you can physically walk away or at least take a deep breath. With that little bit of space and time to think - you'll often find yourself understanding of the other person, instead of defensive.

What might the talker feel? The talker will hopefully, feel proud that they said what they felt compelled to say. Self expression is a human need. They well also feel heard, because the listener didn't interrupt (not even once)... They let them finish their entire piece. So that breeds appreciation.

What might the listener feel? There's a good chance they feel sad, or anxious to defend themselves or even desperate to give the listener a hug and apologize. You'll get your chance soon. You'll be rational enough to realize that your turn to reply will most likely happen very soon. You collect your thoughts and will hopefully see a clear path to make everything right.

After that very important pause, the original listener may feel compelled to approach the sharer and say "Hey, so I have a share too". The new sharer can say anything, maybe they are angry also (maybe they wish they had shared first their own feelings), but very often the sharer might least with the positive.

• "I feel really appreciative, that you mentioned this issue"
• "I feel lucky to have you as a friend"
• "I feel embarrassed I didn't realize you were sad"
• "I am so sorry, I didn't realize your boundaries and I'm thankful that I understand you better now"
• "Let me make it up to you"
• "I adore you so much, let's talk about how to fix this, because I want help to build us stronger"
• "I adore you and if it feels right, can I hug now or maybe in a day from now"

This transition from something negative to something positive can be very beautiful when a share is done correctly.

Once again... after each share, the listener simply says "thank you". If the share was positive, they might offer a hug or say something in gratitude, but there's something about ending with "thank you" that is very magical.

Now is there a chance this "share" will blow up? Well of course! Maybe it's a bigger issue that could end a relationship, but if your relationship is that fragile, then probably it was going to end anyway. In the very rare cases where the issue or your personality difference are so great that the relationship is actually unsalvageable and toxic, then you just did yourself a favor! However, usually when you say "what they did is unforgivable" and talk about it to others behind their back then you are only playing the victim and probably being dramatic. In their shoes you might have made the same mistake. If you think long enough into the past you probably over did! We are all human.

Don't play the role or victim or gossip spreader. Be mature and be proactive. Some shares might be the straw that breaks the camel's back... But often it will transform you both into something better. To not share is always the greater mistake in the long run.

A Hedgehog

My dear friend Lyubov was the first to introduce me to a "share" and I quickly grew to love it. I felt it was a huge same that only a select few people have heard about a "share", and I felt it might be hard to introduce the concept to other people without seeming a little "woo woo". But then she did something even more brilliant. In her relationship with her husband, she decided that instead of calling it a "share" she would call it a "hedgehog". Why chose such a whimsical word and cute little animal. Well for exactly that reason. Because it sounds so darn cute and innocent it makes the sharing much more approachable, and it makes people realize that hedgehogs happen ALL the time. They are expected to happen all the time. But this is not a scary untamable beast. A hedgehog is easy to sweep away, it is something that two good people, can not only easily resolve, but should relish in the challenge. Each hedgehog you sweep away together, can make your relationship stronger. This doesn't just work for romantic partners, you can try it with a best friend or family member, and you can definitely assign it any name you want to make sure you understand that you are the master of the hedgehog. You should never be controlled or live in fear of a hedgehog.

The sooner you bring it up, the sooner you get to resume a happy life. Every moment you wait is a moment you delay happiness. I'll finish this article with an epiphany that I came up with and announced to a huge people once during a group share....

"If singing seems difficult to talk about, then it's a clear and present signal that you need to talk about it."

Asking your boss for a promotion seems difficult, asking a girl out seems difficult, and for some even adding for help seems difficult. The people who do the difficult thing get ahead in left. They people who avoid it get frustrated and upset.

So this is a challenge to ride your edge and step up into being a more mature human being. Others will notice and respect your bravery. I can't guarantee the outcome you want. Maybe you confront someone on cheating and they lie or admit they have. Maybe they did steal your sandwich from the fridge. If you don't have the difficult conversation however... Well then you will probably kick yourself later!

Acknowledgements: My incredible friend Lyubov for introducing me to the idea of "a share". You are a goddess among mortals Lyubov. The most authentic person I have ever met, and it's so refreshing to drink in that it takes my breath away every time.