An incredible theory about cheating
Contents
About
A friend of mine, Janelle, once casually told me her theory for why people cheat. It was so simple it floored me:
- "The most common reason a woman cheats is when she doesn’t feel appreciated and adored as a woman — when she feels taken for granted and her feminine power is ignored."
- "The most common reason a man cheats is when he doesn’t feel respected and revered as a man — when he feels emasculated, nit-picked, or stripped of his masculine power."
Disclaimer: Yes, this is a generalisation and heteronormative. Not all women are feminine, not all men are masculine, and there are many genders and orientations in between. Take this as a theory about traditional heterosexual dynamics.
I’ve watched many friends go through cheating — and usually, the story fits one of these patterns.
If you’re a woman starved of affection at home, the charismatic dance teacher who showers you with praise suddenly looks tempting. If you’re a man constantly criticised, the co-worker who admires you suddenly seems irresistible. It’s like being thirsty in a desert: even strong morals can falter when your deepest needs go unmet.
Dealing with Cheating: How to Move On
The happiest friends I know who were cheated on eventually broke free of the victim mindset. They took some form of responsibility for their part — not blame, but ownership. Pain is unavoidable; prolonged suffering is a choice.
Even people I admire — coaches, parents, leaders — have admitted to me they once cheated. They weren’t proud of it, but their honesty showed me it’s not always black and white. Often it wasn’t about sex at all, but about not feeling seen, valued, or appreciated.
Cheating is rarely about lust alone. It’s usually about unmet emotional needs.
The Core Theory: Feeling Like a Man or a Woman
Most women feel empowered when they are adored in their feminine energy — cherished, desired, pampered, seen as a goddess. Most men feel empowered when they are respected in their masculine energy — trusted, admired, encouraged, seen as a god.
But after the honeymoon period, couples slip into routine. Criticism replaces compliments. Eye-rolls replace passion. Slowly, the ground for cheating is laid.
Consider these scenarios:
- Scenario one: You are a man constantly being nagged at home by your wife... constantly criticized for not providing or making decisions. Your home life has become miserable and you can't remember the last time your wife looked at you with adoring eyes, or even said something nice. You are miserable. You are on edge constantly that whatever she says to you next is probably a criticism. Suddenly at work, there's some fresh-eyed lovely woman who comments on how she loves your leadership or arms and you see the promise of someone who would hold you close at night, worship you like a god, and see you as special. You are starving for affection. Are you now tempted to cheat?
- Scenario two: You are a woman who is taken for granted by your husband. He barely makes eye contact, he treats you like a bag of potatoes, and you can't remember the last time he bought flowers, said something sweet, or kissed you with passion. Instead, he notices when you put on weight and doesn't listen to you. He doesn't feel like the man you met - he's too busy now to notice you. So you go out for salsa dancing and a few drinks with girlfriends and suddenly there is a nice-looking Latino guy on the dance floor, swooning over your body and making promises to sweep you off your feet and worship your body and mind. You are starving for affection at home, but in the eyes of this man, you see someone who will make you feel alive. Are you tempted to cheat?
The Alternative to Cheating
I've never cheated, but I understand how people get there. The difference comes down to communication.
You don’t need to cheat. You can have the hard conversation: "I feel unseen. I feel emasculated. I feel unappreciated." That honesty can lead to a reset — a date night, affection, reconnection. Or, if it’s too broken, a respectful parting before damage is done.
Couples who acknowledge this truth early are less likely to face betrayal. If you notice a drift, rise to the challenge of reconnecting — or separate with dignity. Both are better than secret affairs.
Final Thoughts
I’m still single as I write this, but proud that my recent relationships ended beautifully — one even with a parting ritual.
So ask yourself tonight:
- “How much do I make them feel revered?”
- “What small act (flowers, a massage, a poem, a kiss) could show how much I care?”
Cheating often grows from neglect, not evil. Attention and appreciation can stop it before it starts.
Sincerely,
Andrew Noske
See Also
- Overcoming lies and cheating - in case it's happened already.
| Acknowledgements: Janelle for sharing this theory. |
