Anxious to avoidant scale
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The 0 to 10 "Anxious to Avoidant scale" is based (loosely but lovingly) on the classic book about attachment styles (Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love). If you've ever felt too clingy or too emotionally distant in love—or dated someone who made you feel like you were losing your mind—you’re not alone. This scale is a humorous way to reflect on your own tendencies in relationships... and maybe giggle at the emotional chaos of modern dating.
My Graphical Representation of the "Anxious to Avoidant Scale" (0–10)
The idea: This one is personal. I *sometimes think* I'm secure (or I was when I last took the test). I'm not the guy texting "u up?" at 2am, nor the one ghosting people the second feelings get too real. But here's the twist: this scale isn't static. It's dynamic. When you date someone anxious, it can *make* you feel anxious. When you date someone avoidant, it might bring out your worst fears. It's happened to me numerous times. And that's what makes this particular scale so insidious—and interesting.
With most of my other scales, you tend to attract those nearby. But here? You're more likely to repel. That avoidant person might be charming at first... until you realise they vanish every time you ask a vulnerable question. That anxious person might make you feel loved... until they start melting down because you took too long to reply.
This scale isn't about judgment — it's about awareness. It's okay to move up or down this spectrum depending on who you're with. That's natural. But if you find yourself stuck on one end, it might be time to unpack some baggage — or get a new travel companion.
Using this Scale
This chart is both fun and a little painful. I don't necessarily suggest sending it to your new partner or recent love interest... unless you're very secure in your bond, or yourself, or you want an immediate answer on if there's potential. It's a fantastic conversation piece among friends or therapists. Use it to laugh at past relationships. Use it to reflect on current ones. Use it to name what sometimes feels too slippery to define: how safe you feel in love.
And if you’re lucky enough to land at a 5? Please bottle that energy and sell it. The world needs more unicorns who say what they mean, return texts and encourage the rest of us to be secure. A solidly secure person has the capacity to inspire others. If you haven't heard of the attached book, you might want to read my notes: Attached (book).
Sincerely,
Andrew Noske
See Also
- The besotted scale – For when you're dangerously in love.
- Flirting comfort scale – How comfy are you making the first move?
- Dating jealousy scale – For the green-eyed monster within.
- Sex drive scale – Sometimes tied to attachment, sometimes just spicy.
