Personal independence scale
Contents
About
|
NEWSFLASH: I've also published a shorter version of this article to medium.com! Please support me by adding a "clap" at: The Besotted Scale |
The 0 to 10 "Personal Independence Scale" below is a humorous yet insightful way to reflect on how much you lean on others — or don’t. It asks the question: How independent are you really? Too little, too much… or just right?
My Graphical Representation of the "Personal Independence Scale" (0-10)
The idea: Some people wear independence like a badge of honour - super-gluing their wounds, hauling furniture solo, and pretending they never need help. Others thrive in collaboration and feel strongest when backed by their crew. Most of us fall somewhere in between.
This scale is about helping you reflect — not to judge yourself or others — but to notice your tendencies. Because too much independence can become a form of emotional self-isolation. And too much dependence can weigh others down or hinder growth. Somewhere in the middle is the sweet spot of interdependence — the ability to stand tall *and* reach out when you need a hand.
A Note on Gender
This isn’t a gendered scale — at all. In fact, some of the most fiercely independent people I know are women. A few of my past partners have struggled deeply to ask for help, even when drowning. And I get it — society has told women they now need to "do it all," to be fierce, capable, unbothered. And they are. But sometimes, in their quest to be unbreakable, they forget that letting someone help doesn’t mean weakness. It means trust.
It's worth saying — when a woman becomes hyper-independent, it can leave her male partner feeling useless. That's not an accusation — just an observation that even in feminist progress, we must honour healthy interdependence. For more on this dynamic, see my Femininity scale or perhaps the Masculine scale. Okay, enough notes on gender - how do you "use" this scale example?
Using this Scale
You'll probably just use this chart just for fun — laugh with friends and say "Oh god, I’m a total 9!" or "That’s so you — Mr. Level 3!" But it's also a tool for deeper reflection.
Where are you on this scale with:
- your family?
- your workmates?
- your romantic partner?
The answer may be different in each domain. And that's okay. If anything, it's a gentle prompt to ask: What would it look like to let someone in just a little more? What would it mean to say, “I can't do this alone”? Or, for others, to take a deep breath and do the thing solo — no life raft.
The most empowered people I know aren't the most independent — they're the most *self-aware*. They know when to walk alone and when to ask someone to walk beside them.
Final Thoughts
This scale was born out of watching so many people — myself included — pretend they're fine when they’re not. The truth is, it takes more courage to ask for help than to go it alone. Strength isn't found in isolation — it's found in connection.
So here's to finding balance. To fierce independence tempered by soft vulnerability. To know when to carry your own pack and when to let someone hold it for a while.
Sincerely,
Andrew Noske
See Also
- Femininity scale – for thoughts on societal messaging and independence.
- Masculinity scale – for thoughts on toxic masculinity and the opposite end.
- Anxious to avoidant scale – because attachment style plays a huge role in how we ask for help.
