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Quotes

My own quotes:

Last updated: 17-May-2007

Nothing too serious:

• If there really are superior beings out there, then why don't they have their own website?
• Being a week late for someone’s birthday is nothing. I was once an entire year late for someone’s birthday! He acted really happy that I remembered and got him a present, but I could tell on the inside he was crying.
• Anyone who takes up a PhD has something fundamentally wrong with them.
  
• Most people believe that, in order to do a PhD, one has to be exceptionally smart. Those, however, who have gone to university, realize that, to do a PhD, one has to be exceptionally mad.
  
• Say this to a friend who is exercising or a gym instructor and keep a straight face: "so how's your work-out work working-out?".
• The words "struggling" and "farmer" may as well be synonymous. Every time the word farmer appears in the newspaper he's complaining about something and asking for government compensation.
  
• More words which are synonymous: "uni student" and "poor".
  
• If time travel was possible, wouldn't people from the future have come to visit us? Or maybe this is just regarded as a particularly boring period of history.
  
• If you keep your mouth shut, then you can't put your foot in it.
  
• A liar should always have a good memory.... and for this reason (rather than high morals), I've always been honest.
  
• Waiting for someone special is like waiting for a taxi... some people are born next to an airport. I got stuck on ****ing island. :)
  
• How much does the average life cost at Kmart these days? Apparently I need one.
  
• Why doesn't my lynx deodorant work like the ones in the ads?
  
• The bus on the wheels go.... * son-of-a-bitch!
  
• Wait on a minute; you're just a talking koala in a man suit! Fraud!
  
• Eye protection is for wimps... the rest of us use sunglasses so we can perve without getting caught.
  
• Send yourself flowers on secretary day, or something. Write something about how much I appreciate all your effort and then just bullshit for a while. You know the drill.
  
• Don't count your bridges until they hatch, don't burn your shoes, and don't judge a man until you've worn his chickens.
  
• There is no shame in being desperate. Just humiliation.
  
• To tire of 'cookies and cream' ice-cream is to tire of life.
  
• There are no certainties in life, and I'm certain of that.
  
• Osama Bin Laden suggests changing America's coined expression the "land of opportunity" to the "land of terrorist opportunity".
  
• Slogan for Hallmark greeting cards: "When you care enough to send the very best". Proposed slogan for Microsoft Greeting Cards: "when you care enough to click a button".
  
• The actual speech of Martin Luther King: "Ladies and gentlemen. I had a dream!....... but I'd really rather not talk about it....... errr, mainly because it involves my bests friend's wife".
  
• The interest our money has in the bank will always be dwarfed by the interest the bank has in our money.
  
• For the last time - just because I use two different colors of highlighter doesn't make me gay.
  
• Everybody keeps telling me that sex is better with no strings attached. I have no doubt that's true, but it begs the question: "who on earth invented this kinky idea of attaching strings?".
  
• What females don't understand is that punching each other is a man's version of physical contact. Nature states that women are allowed to touch each other (and no man has ever objected to this). But if one man touches another mans arm it's like "What the f*ck was that!". So next time you see two blokes bashing the crap out of each other stop thinking "how crude" and start thinking "oh how sweet - they're bonding".
  
• Wozer! That's one amazing story.... I must admit, the alarm clock has woken me up a few times, but it's never dragged me out of my bed.
  
• Fowliphycophobia: the never-ending fear that you are nothing more than a chicken who's been hypnotized to act like a human.
  
• You are what Jesus would look like if god himself had a warped sense of humor and Mary was his first cousin.
  
• "Two's company, three's a crowd" has become a redundant expression in the world of adolescents. Every since the mobile phone "anything less than four is shameful".
  
• You can buy generosity from anybody if you offer the right price.
  
• The truth is out there - and the truth hurts. So why not do ourselves a favor, and not bother search for it in the first place.
  
• I was once thinking about running for prime minister; but decided that running for cancer was a much worthier cause.
  
• Whenever a friend is depressed about something there's always a piece of advice which never fails. It's one of the greatest secrets of life; and it all boils down to a strategy that will help you throughout life - it's called denial.
  
• The coolest thing about being an ambidextrous woman is: whenever you go to slap a bloke across the face he doesn't know which direction to brace himself.
  
• Violence may not be the answer, but it sure makes a hell of an impact on the question.
  
• If it's not broken then don't screw around with it.
  
• You can tell your self esteem is at an all time low when even the girls in your dreams reject you.
  
• I seriously doubt your own hand would want to have sex with you - let alone a whole 'nother person.
  
• If ignorance is a beautiful thing how come I'm so ugly?
  
• EVERYONE is in denial of something - except for me of course.
  
• It's hard to make friends when you wear you heart on your sleeve: .............. first of all you're dripping blood everywhere, and secondly you're about to die
  
• New friends are fair enough, but you can never forget your old friends. That won't stop you from trying though.
  
• If there is no harm in trying then explain the fate of early birdman.
  
• If you wish upon a star, it doesn't matter what you wish for - cuz you're still going to get vaporized.
  
• How can heaven exist if you share it with your relatives?
  
• Denial gets you nowhere, but it sure does feel nicer.
  
• Life philosophy: Never do yourself what someone else might do for you.
  
• Take an interesting in the bigger picture - buy a 21 inch screen.

Serious:

• People think your results in some written test define your intelligence. I disagree. There is no one defining form of intelligence. Book smarts, business smarts, street smarts and (most of all) emotional smarts are all contribute to your intelligence as a human. A man who knows how to get what he wants is clever. A man who gets the best grade in class is conscientious. But only the man who goes through most of his life happy has true wisdom. There is much more to life than getting good grades, and that's something no overachiever should ever forget.
  
• If failure leads to experience then it's little wonder that ignorance is bliss.
  
• Success means nothing unless you're having fun along the way.
  
• "Free spirited" is a polite way of describing someone who can't handle responsibility in life.
  
• To see both ends of the spectrum is to become a wiser man. To sit in the same world forever, and never venture, is to remain ignorant and perhaps gullible.
  
• To truly appreciate the good life you must experience the bad life.
  
• According to any teenager, the cinemas are a social event. You meet with lots of friends.... barely talk to each other; and then leave. But what is crucially important is the fact you were amidst a large group when people saw you.
  
• The true way to define a terrific friend is when you smile spontaneously every time you see them, and suddenly your mood is lifted higher. A good friend can make you laugh. Anything less and you're friend is just ordinary.
  
• How long do you expect to survive wearing your heart on your sleeve?
  
• Everyone is in denial of something - some people even know what it is - but that doesn't change their denial.
  
• You can't get a job without experience... but how do you get experience if you can't get a job?
  
• All we want in life is to be appreciated by other people. And that's what we teach our children.
  
• When you meet a person with a cheery disposition you often assume they're simple people - if they were the thinking variety what reason would they have to be happy?
  
• The amount of time students waste in classrooms listening to the man up front is phenomenal. So many lecturers spend entire lessons pointing out the obvious (i.e. something you already knew or is basic commonsense), but getting kicks out of the fact he can word it much better than you can. The real question is: "what do you learn, when someone puts into an attractive sentence something you already knew". No matter what you study, certain subjects; certain academics are all bullshit and no substance.

Gibberish:

• To cut a long story short; try using scissors. To get to the point; make sure you take the proper climbing equipment. At the end of the day, it becomes night - and, in a nutshell; you'll usually find a nut.
  
• Is it not true, that answering a question with double negatives is not difficult?
  
• What means justifies an end? -- Well, I believe "validates a finish" does.
  
• You drive a hard billy-cart, paper sword bearing elderberrie. I salute your hamster.
  
• All I wanted was a photo of the actress who looks like the chick I hardly know in Cairns.